Bullet the Blue Sky

Shity News!

2005-09-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

Things have never come easy for me!

I know this sounds like I am whinning but it's true...

In high school it took everything in me to continue on and try not to let the "glorified" teahcers continue messing with feelings of insecurities...

I never felt smart in high school...to much comparasion went on there!

Coming to University and literally moving away was the best move I ever made to fixing the lack of confidence I had in myself.

I was confident in my work, in my physical appearence, and in the acceptance of others; and the strides I was taking towards my career future.

This year...well I am fucked already...

My secound year social work class is filled to the max! 100 people to be exact! This may not seem like a big deal...but it is when all of us are competing for 20 spots in third year social work. To top it off 85% of the students in this course are from Confederation College. What does that have to do with it, your asking...well these student took a three year program @ the college in the Child and Youth Program. That program enabled them to do three years of internship and they all have paying jobs...in residential homes. Realizing after they graduated that a dipolma pretty much gets you no where in this field...they came to the University!

It is hard enough that we have to have a portfolio of work and volunteer experience, take a test and keep are marks high to be eligable to get in...but now...we are competing with Con. college students who have practicum...and us university students who simply have the knowledge base!

It never is just laid out for me! I always have to fucking work my ass off!

And now I am concerned....What if I don't get into third year? What do I do then? If I don't get in, can I reapply the following year? Would I have to switch programs? Does God want me to work in the social work field?

Damn IT! I hate this!

Too much pressure!

The Summer that will Always be With Me

2005-08-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile!

Unfortuately...or fortuately whatever way one may look at it, classes begin in less than a week! Ouch! But before I start worrying about the price of books, the price of gas and the amount my car cost me to get a new muffler, I want to reflect on what has been one of the most jam-packed, exhilarating, crazy, hilarious, and fun summer's of, well... my life!

To be completely honest when my parents told me, way back in March that I was not allowed to come home for the entire summer, but that I was supposed to stay in Thunder Bay to work; I went through depression! Seriously, it was the worst news any homesick mamma's girl could possibly hear. I had this picture in my head that my summer would consist of me going to work coming home and watching Much Music till I was blue in the face. (Note: Whay Much Music you ask! Because it is a little piece of the Urban streets of Toronto I have left!) But from the very start to this moment, this summer has completely blown the top off of any vaction I have ever had. So without completely boring everyone with all the details, I will instead steal from the Notorious Fabulous, and use her "LIST" idea to give you all a synopsis of my summer.

Trip Home to T.O.

- Family, what more can I say... my time away has brought me closer to my to Nat, Air, and Tabby...Lyss and I still fight lol...and I have a grand appreciation for my parents and all they do
-Queen Street&Eaton Centre shopping spree with Joy and Parker...
-"would u like to buy some weed" (Parker--> that was for u)
-Rat Man and Santa/Fountain Swimming Man
-Korean Camping Retreat with Parker's chruch...I got major heat stroke
-Taco Bell...Harvey's...We DON'T HAVE IT IN T. BAy
-Texas Hold'em with the bro's
-Sleepovers with the sisters
-Riding ginormous Quiggley
-Shopping...@ more than one mall
-Class reunion @ Lyss's graduation
-Congee Wong
-Dad teaching me the guitar
-Driving with Pauline
-Girl's nite @ Bev's house Casadea's...Guess Jeans...hot Asses...photo shoots
...SHOPPING...and tons more

My Life in ThunderBay--> (including Annie's visit, Joy's visit, and Family's visit)

- Work @ Zellars
- My love interests...Julian...I think he is coming back to work!
- Roxy's with Kim, Steph, Nicole, and Courtney
- Dancing...
- BroaderCat Games...checking out hot Texas...southern guys
- Wet T-Shirt Contest...I did not participate
- Cascades...rapping stud
- Malibu in my hot red car before Roxy's
- Carnies...Gravitron! "My My My"--> wish u went on the ride annie!
- Kakabeka Falls--> our one tourist attraction...brought Joy, Annie and Family there
- Bonfires and marshmellows @ camp
- Tanning!! With my mom!
- Sleeping out in the cabin with my Tabby who snores! Forgot how loud u are! lol luv u BABE!
- Blitz with family...Aaron is such a sore loser!!! I totally won the MONEY!
- Dancing in the kitchen...bedroom...basement...living room
- Dorks who bought us pizza @ Cascades...Jamie...
- Drinking with Shelby and Leah...after CLE
- MOVIES, MOVIEs, MOVIes, MOVies, MOvies, Movies, movies
- Scarlett....our celebrity siting
- Hot Asian guys...in a prodominately Cucasion community
- Car Music
- Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy..that one is for my mom and annie!
- Catching up with Jenna
- Drives down Boulevard with Kim
- Ice Cream @ Murela May's
- One song I cannot dance to...Kim...Courtney...I confess...."YOU AND ME GO FISHING in the DarK"
- Forgetting I.D....annie trying to work her toronto magic...didn't work..thank God Armani's is 5 min. away from my house
- Cab Confessions
- Cab Driver's Boyfriend Advice!
- Stealing the cab from those Bitches
- Getting danced on by disgusting guys @ Roxy's
- Dancing all Sexy @ Armani's...then going crazy to HollaBack Girl
- Hobbit!!! ewwwww....
- 2 Stepping, changing the lightblub, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn
- Mohawk guys who bought us beer...ewww
- the wink! annie!
- Whisper My Name
- My boob dance
- Hang over...my mom saw me with one for the first time...she made me get dressed and go shopping with her for four hours....it was awful...Nathanael was my saviour...I leaned on him the entire time...and he took me to the washroom in Gap
- M.I.A
- Cranberry and Vodka!
- the shot annie made me try @ Roxy's...I forget what is called!
- Backyard Tanning
- The loser at the Cascade...he fell going up the rock!
- The night Annie spent 3hr. @ Zellars
- Hot guys hiding out in the Atheltic Club

Wow the list goes on and on! I cannot think of anymore @ this point...I am sure there is a whole ton! Anyways that sums up most of my summer! It was awesome....it was a great start to what I hope is going to be a great fall then winter....Luv Everyone...Miss Everyone...

Niles Out!

SO Much Happening...SO Much to Tell

2005-04-23T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. It has been so long since I have written in this. I thought since I am officially finished exams, as of yesterday, it was due time to catch everyone up on the things going on in my life.

I am still here in Thunder Bay...and for awhile I was dreading summer, because I was not coming home. I have been feeling truely homesick. I was starting to realize that a friendship I had made here was not as strong and deep as I thought it was. I think I relied to much on that friendship. It did not dissolve or anything, I just realized that....I don't know how to put this... She was the type of friend that was wild and exhilerating to be around, but you find yourself listening to her speak awfully about everyone...(all my other friends), to the point where she kind of isolated me. And then she "fell in love" with...excuse my rudeness, but a pothead, going no where with his life, has no aspirations, and drinks all day every day type of guy. And she was gone (we still talk and she still considers me a great friend but...). What makes this even worse, was I started to realize that I could have built such amazing friendships with a couple of girls for whom I only started to truely get to know over the past month.

Anyways that is one thing...there is so much to tell...but I can't type that long so there will have to be a part 2 but I will say...I have been on my first DATE! YES, I know... Now do not get all excited it was kind of a blind date...my friend set me up with this guy...and I went on a "kinda" date with him...and my friend and her boyfriend. I will leave it at that...and tell you more about it on the next BLOG! Leave you all in suspense!

;) Sarah

Worried About the Coming Fights

2005-03-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

Alyssa is on March Break...and she is coming here for her last week of the break. Now don't get me wrong I am excited and want her to come, but after our last encounter over Christmas...I would almost say that nothing has been the same since.

I was surprised that my mom agreed to her coming. Originally she was against it; my Nanny is old and she does not need us fighting. And after what happened at Christmas everyone is a little hesitant about us coming to together. To be honest I am a little nervous too! My mom has been pleading with me not to fight with her, to ignore when I get angry...blah blah blah! But we fight ALL the time. I cannot even count how many times we have fought even when I am 18 hours away from home. Trust me fighting is like breathing when it comes to Alyssa and I.

She arrives Sunday and leaves the Monday following. It just so happens I work every day she is here except the Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully that will take off any added pressure between us being around each other all the time and bumping heads.

But I am still a little worried...

Suffered from Short Term D.I.D on Saturday Night and STILL Feeling the Effects

2005-03-07T01:32:00.000-08:00

To catch everyone up on my life...Saturday after work I had a few friends over. Jenna, Shelby and Steph; we all wanted to just get together, drink, relax, act crazy and dance. I can officially say I got completely trashed (that is not to say I am proud of myself)! They just kept pouring it for me...and before long I was a different person. I honestly believe I suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder that night (for all you psychology students...you should know what that is)! My friends say I was a different person; they did not know me.

What made things completely worse is from what I can recall...Shelby invited her new boyfriend over who brought all his five guy friends with him after the bar! I do not remember much (nothing too terrible occured!). I was apparently very...um...be prepared...horny! Yes, I Sarah Niles totally came on to the guys! So in class today I am being told of the many things I did...I do not remember anything. I have recollections of small details but the stories the girls have on me will probably be etched in their memories forever.

The funny thing is, I have little regret...I mean I am a Christian...and what occured that night was definately unChristianlike behaviour...but to be honest I had fun. As said many times, I do not remember much but I do remember having the time of my life. I came out of my shell...another person enveloped my body. But I guess that is what alchol does to you!

The only regret I do have is that my first kiss occured while I was drunk and with a guy I am not in love with...yes he was extremely hot...but I have inner guilt over that!

Hope this little blob has not freaked all you out!

I am still Sarah...

Suddenly Babysitting

2005-03-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

My intention tonight was to indulge myself . I had this whole night planned out...it started with me paying off my visa card then going to the grocery store where I was to pick up all the necessary items for a luxurious dinner of pasta...all for myself...all by myself! I was also going to rent Motorcycle Diaries and prehaps depending on how great and tears worthy it was...I was going to ball my eyes out! YES an evening of crying and eating...every girls dream!

I got as far as getting the groceries, came home to find a message! A family for whom, I put my name down @ a local church asked me to babysit. I could not turn it down...I mean I need the money! And I miss being surrounded by children! Everyone who knows me, is probably laughing when they read this but it is the truth! I SARAH NILES miss CHILDREN!

As for my evening of pasta and a movie...well is down the toliet! I still ate pasta, Kraft Dinner with the kids! But truthfully I do not mind it...being away has shown me how blessed I was to have such a big family and group of truely unbelieveable friends surrounding me....literally. I use to hide in my room, desparately trying to get away from the crying, screaming babies; the fighting and liveliness. But now I would give anything for Alyssa and I to fight (silly, I know), for me to listen to Tabitha's talkativeness, and to wrestle with my brothers.

I am not lonely...just missing the everyday comforts.

And as I look at the little girls play bowling beside me on the floor, I wonder what ever made me dislike big families...and craziness.

Exhausted

2005-02-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I am tired; physically, emotionally and spiritually. The mid terms have wipped me out! I did not know such intense studying could be so taxing on the body, mind, and spirit! This break could not have come any sooner for me. But yet again I am disappointed because I am not coming home...even though I am so homesick, that I am sick. I miss my MOM! I know that sounds so terribly childish, but I miss her so much it makes me cry thinking about it.

I have worked and study so much over the past two weeks...that I forgot about my bestest best friends birthday! I am soo sorry Sarah! I feel so disgustingly awful. Me of all people should have remembered it and well, nothing changes what i did but I deeply apologize and for what it is worth now...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Nothing much has been happening over here in the great old north! My nanny has been away for the past two and a half weeks...so I have been house sitting and throwing small parties here and there. Nothing too big @ all! But unfortunately she is home today.

Niles

Life is a test. It is only a test.

2005-02-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite posters says, "Life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do." Whenever I think about this humorous bit of wisdom, it reminds me to not take my life so seriously. When I look at life and its many challenges as a test, or a series of tests, I begin to see each issue I face as an opportunity to grow, a chance to roll with the punches. When I feel I am being bombarded with problems, responsibilities, even situations that I see as insurmountable, when I looked at them as tests, I find I always have a chance to succeed, in the sense of rising above that which is challenging me.
My dad once told me that if we see each new issue we face as a series of battles that must be won in order to survive, then we're probably in for a very rocky journey. The only time we are likely to be happy is when everything is working out just right. And we all know how often that happens. It is funny how a parent gives you a peice of advice, and you only begin to accept it and understand it later...I guess it is a part of growing up.

Making Peace with my Imperfection

2004-12-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

I have yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace.
My need for perfection and my desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever I am attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is, I am, almost by definition, engaged in losing a battle. Rather then being content and grateful for everything I have, I am focused on what is wrong with something and my need to fix it. When I zero in on what is wrong, it basically implies that I am dissatisfied and discontent. My desire to look a certain way, be with certain people, feel certain feelings is put up against what I currently have which I feel is imperfection. The very act of focusing on my imperfection pulls me away from my goals of being a kind and gentle person. It has nothing to do with ceasing to do my very best but with being overly attached and focused on what is wrong with life.

Being away from all comforts has helped me realize that while there is always a better way to do something, this does not mean that I cannot enjoy and appreciate the way things already are. My solution here is to catch myself when I fall into a habit of insisting that things should be other then they are. I remind myself that life is okay the way it is, right now. I have noticed that in the absence of my judgement, everything is fine...I am smart and kind and yes a little pretty too! As I begin to elminate my need for perfection in all areas of life, as someone once told me, it is then that I (you can) begin to discover perfection in life itself.

Sarah

Oh how I wish I was home...

2004-12-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well, Vanessa has gone home today...the only contact I have left from Toronto, and every ounce of me wishes I didn't get this job, so I could have come home last week..and been home for a month. By then I would be relaxed and well on my way to wanting to get back to school. But no I took this job and now it cuts into my holiday/vaction time! On the bright side my friends talked me into buying a pair of D&G sunglasses off of EBay, it was against my better judgment, but I concluded that since I was making a good pay check, money should sometimes be splurged. Ok, ok maybe it is a bit more then a splurge but whatever... but I am making more then I am spending.

Tomorrow is my first day off of work since I started and I cannot wait!

Sarh

Shelter House

2004-12-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

Well, today consisted of me waking up at 10:00 am (enjoying the fact that for once I can sleep in), and getting ready to go work at Shelter House. For those of you who do not know what it is; Shelter House is a drop in/soup kitchen for the homeless in Thunder Bay. Shelby and I volunteer there once a week. At first we only went for the eight hours we were supposed to in order for us to recieve 5% extra in my Social Work class, but something keeps drawing me and her back. We have this strange sense of obligation to continue going. For us it is fun, I can't describe it. I mean, yes, the place smells awful, it looks run down, and one feels dirty once they leave but there is this strage enjoyment working there.

The place definately is a weekly reminder of how blessed I am and how thankful I should be for living and being raised the way I was. The homeless here in Thunder Bay are very different from Toronto's homeless. Many here are wanderers from nearby reserves, they are broken people and it cuts me when I hear their stories. They are really the forgotten people of Canada...they are the ones shut out by the rest of this country.

Niles

Finished Exams and Loving Life

2004-12-12T15:12:00.000-08:00

Well...as of yesterday night I have finally completed my exams! All five of them done in one week while I worked every single friging day from 4-10pm. Next time I am going to use my brain and take exam week off! But now I am just partying....yes alone but I do not care!

I am just counting down the days until I am home with my family, friends and new dog...who is apparently almost 100 pounds (according to my mom). Now my home can officially be labelled the "Niles Nut House" (forgive me if anyone calls my home and my mom answers the phone like that...she's a little off her rocker...lol).

Anyways, my nanny is taking me out tonight to catch a movie, I think I am seeing Finding Neverland. I hear it is supposed to be good, but anything with Johnny Depp is good for me!

Niles